Zoophile

If you asked any of my friends about me they would tell you right away that I have a deep love for animals. In some ways, animals are my life and always have been.

I really love it when the shiny ones balance beach balls on their noses, for example. That is just classic.

Also, I think the vast majority of the hairy ones are absolutely delicious.

Knowing of my passion for the beasts, people sometimes come up to me and say, "Crapples! How can I win your affection by adopting some of the qualities of our animal siblings?" I usually answer by simply saying, "Friend, you've already taken the first step just by recognizing that all of us, including the shiny things, the hairy things, and even those smelly guys, are ultimately brothers and sisters."

But now I have an even better answer for you.

The Royal College of Art has developed a clothing line with electro-statically charged fur that stands on end when the wearer feels threatened. In this way, a human can respond to threat in a way that is similar to the response of a cat or raccoon.

Interestingly, if an offender ignores the warning signs and touches you, the fur will administer a 100,000 volt shock into his body!

I don't know which animal the 100,000 volt shock is modeled after, but whichever one it is I want to nominate it as the most awesome animal of all time. Also, if this animal doesn't have a nickname yet, I'd like to suggest Taze-o-shock! No wait... I mean Electrotaze!

Anyway, here's my point: When I finally find out where the presumably elusive Electrotaze lives, I am so going to get one for a pet.