Monday, January 31, 2005

What Women Want, Part II

I need to apologize to my readers, as I may have led them wrong. In my post last week I told you about my plan to impress my wife, and presumably all other women in town, by wrestling and killing a zoo-elephant with my bare hands. I believe it's my obligation to report that my plan may have been illconcieved. Here are just a few of the things that I seem to have miscalculated:

1 - Have you seen an elephant? These things are frickin' huge. I couldn't even get my hands around this monster's throat, let alone strangle it to death in the hopes of getting my wife to love me more.

2 - When a giant zoo-elephant throws you headlong into a steel fence, the experience is worlds apart from the other painful things that I've endured in my life (e.g., sore throats, splinters, ice cream headaches, shoes tied too tight, etc.) This was pain on a whole new level that I, frankly, didn't even know existed.

3 - Most surprising of all, my wife didn't even seem impressed. But, I still wonder if that's because I failed to actually kill the animal. I may never know for sure on that one.

4 - Apparently it's a federal offence to kill a zoo-elephant in this country. But, honestly, I don't know why we needed to make that into a law. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think those things are pretty much un-killable. I mean right before he stepped on my rib cage for the second time I was squeezing his trunk as hard as I possibly could and it didn't even seem to phase him.

Anyway, writing with this key-poker strapped to my forehead is exhausting. I just wanted to apologize. I hope no one followed my advice before reading this.


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