What Women Want

No cave man ever got the cave babe by showing her how gentle he could be with a paleo-duckling. But, if you paint your face and strangle a mastodon with your bare hands your genes will be getting passed on to the next generation, my pre-historic brother.

Scientist have proven what all boys learned by the 7th grade: Women love flashy, charismatic guys. In fact, women love flashy guys even when those guys represent a moderately elevated threat to their personal safety. Scientists say this is true because the superior genes that charismatic males have to offer trump all other mating currency.

Apparently, this is the kind of thing women are in to.

This explains why guys like Kid Rock have been propositioned by more women than every male pre-school teacher who has ever lived put together, multiplied by a million.

Never shy of new developments, Crapples has taken this new science into consideration. I’ve made an appointment with the local zoo for a tour this Saturday. But, little do they know, what I'm really going to do is jump the fence and try to wrestle an elephant to the ground and kill it with my bare hands. It's Crapples' turn to shine!

Some of my friends are saying that I haven't thought this through, but my prediction is that it will go really well. I’ll let you know.