Sunday, March 06, 2005

Down With Evolution

Sometimes people will come up to me and say, “Hey Crapples! Why don’t you step on that butterfly just for fun or because it will make you popular, cool, or maybe rich.” But, I always respond by saying, “I won’t do it because I know that fundamentally butterflies are just small, really, really incredibly stupid people.”

This is just who I am.

It's my sensitivity to the needs of animals that has lead me to the conclusion that the normal processes of evolution are just not efficient enough to meet their needs.

Listen and learn: Evolution takes hundreds of thousands of years to accomplish even the most boring of animal transformations. It took the giraffe something like 10 million years to get its long neck, for example, and let's not fool ourselves -- it’s not even all that cool looking!

Any really awesome adaptations (e.g., laser eyes, invisibility, stretch arms, freeze rays) would take mother nature a good trillion years to come up with.

Even if you wanted a few features that were only moderately awesome, like glow-in-the-dark fists for example, you’re still looking at a hundred billion years, minimum.

Well, our animal brothers and sisters simply don’t have that kind of time.

That’s why I so appreciate the work of Auger & Loizeau. They are giving mother nature the boost that she needs so that our animal friends can have the advantages that they deserve; advantages like arial attack protection for mice and an acorn positioning system for squirrels. To see more augmentations, click here, then use the little black arrow to scroll through the pictures and descriptions.

Side note: It’s just an idea, but in my opinion Auger & Loizeau should consider adding a few strictly cosmetic animal augmentations to their product line. I’m thinking of things like tiny Superman capes for hawks or maybe pig mustaches. Let's not underestimate the survival benefits of looking good.

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