Sweet Jobs

It's important for men to have a job that sounds impressive. Many men don’t realize, when they’re choosing a career, that they will be talking about it for the rest of their lives with strangers, friends, and relatives; thus they underestimate the social costs associated with having a job, even a great job, that sounds lame.

For example, I had a friend who worked in Dallas as a corporate manager for Piggly Wiggly grocery stores. He was rich, good looking, and nice. He would have been a great catch for any woman. He told me about a time when he was on a bus in Salt Lake City and an attractive woman sat down next to him. She flirted with him for a few minutes, then finally asked him where he worked. He swallowed hard, looked meekly at her, then quietly said, “The Piggly Wiggly”.

She paused. Her face soured. Then out of the blue she started to pretend that she didn’t speak English. This was especially awkward for my friend since they had been talking with one another for the previous ten minutes.

“But, I don’t understand, we’ve been talking in English for like…”

“So sowwy. Me no speeky.”

“But… Please... I’m at corporate headquarters so it’s really not what it…”

“Este es un autobus bonita.”

He realized at that moment that he either had to get a better sounding job or resign himself to life as an apartment dwelling bachelor who eats Raman Noodles three times a week and wears velour sweat pants on the weekends.

A lot of people think that the careers that sound best in social situations are doctor, lawyer, and banker. I disagree. Any young men reading this, take note: If I could live my life over, I’d follow any career path that would allow me to say things like: “I make robot arms that are controlled by monkey thoughts.”

Oh, baby! Take it from Crapples, if you say something like that to a woman on a bus, she’ll be ringing the little bell at your stop before you know it.