Wednesday, March 16, 2005

CrapMail

CrapMail
Where I Respond to Reader Email.

Last week SH expressed concern about my post titled Down With Evolution. Note: This response will probably make no sense to anyone who hasn't read that original article.

SH Wrote:

I know your joking, but do you really think it's funny for these guys to abuse animals like this? And I don't think animals are as "stupid" as you say. You should read this article. You'll find out that there is a lot more to "stupid" animals than you think.


Then he gave me a link to this story:

My response: This blog has always been about the science, folks. We let the data do the talking here. In that spirit, I'll never forget what Darwin said about artificially augmented animals; namely that they are the only creatures who would survive a nuclear holocaust. Think about that. So, if all of you will shut your mouths for just one freakin'...

... Wait... Actually, maybe they were the only ones who would die in a nuclear holocaust. I can't remember.

Actually, I got a C- in biology, and I probably would have gotten an F except that I think my teacher, Old Man Weatherby, had the hots for me. That's a different story for a different post.

Either way, to make the point more practical for the non-science minded, imagine this: With or without a nuclear holocaust, if you're a female hawk looking for someone to mate with, and when you check out the available males you notice that one of them is wearing a tiny Superman cape; baby, your choice just became very simple.

Similarly, if you're the male hawk, the one with the cape, you'll be thanking Crapples ten minutes later as you fly away into the horizon, abandoning your wife and unborn children to wolves and poisonous snakes.

Check and mate.



As for whether or not I really think butterflies are stupid like I said in my original post: Yes. Yes, I do. If anyone doubts my word, try doing any one of the following activities with a butterfly:

  • Play chess
  • Build a bridge
  • Identify a banana
  • Fix a disposal
  • Make a noise of any kind

I believe you'll find that your butterfly friend, while quite attractive, is actually no help at all with any of these tasks.

So, to summarize the three points that I hope I've made: (1) Darwin was right again, as always. Or wrong. As I said, I'm not really sure on that one. (2) The very mention of Old Man Weatherby's name still totally creeps me out even after 20 years. (3) Butterflies really are just hilariously dumb.

See you next time on, CrapMail.

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